I don’t believe in regretting things
because everything happens for a reason.
(but if I could go back and unmeet you, I’d do it without thinking twice.)

I cannot say goodbye;
I promised not to leave.
(this silence is maddening)
And yet,
You will not say goodbye;
maybe you don’t want to.
(this hoping is maddening)

Fire                                                                                        Ice
     Ethereal                                                           Compacted
             Unruly                                             Unflappable 
                    Burning                           Frozen
                                          Steam
                              Dripping         Sizzled
                Evaporating                        Condensed
        Rising                                                      Extinguished
   Air                                                                                     Ash

 Lover, looks like you won.            But then again, you always did. 
         

Share your
wi-fi password with me.
It would subsist;
in place of the words
you cannot ever say.

I read the world
in Braille lettering
in novels and tales.

I read the world
in poetic verses,
in resplendent colours.

I hoped to read it for real.
I wanted to see for real.
I wanted you to doctor my sight.

I liked reading better when I was blind.

Soar

I must’ve begun this with some trepidation, even if it was only a little bit. Fear of being caught, of bad trips, of countless, nameless things too insane to even consider, therefore, they must be feared. But I don’t remember being afraid. I recall only the excited anticipation of waiting to be carried away. I knew before this started that it would work. And I was a natural. Left once, right twice, not too much at once, wait and see. Because with every single inhale, you’re increasing your exposure to hepatitis. Don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care, don’t care don’t you know I’m fucking invincible? Left once, right twice, again. Just [Razor blades on mirrored glass] dancing whirling twirling (with things which don’t exist when asked) I’m only here to party. Faster now, can’tslowdownthesewordspouringfrommypen — or breathe — but isn’t that the fun in it? Besides, I’m fucking invincible. And although I was alone, somehow you’ve been beside me, always; seemingly unaware of what I’ve done, yet, somehow, I know, you know. We’re like that sometimes. And I take pride in you, in this us, in appearing to be loved – pride and lust are stronger than love ever could be. And if we were really in love, we would have left each other long ago. You are every snowflake inching your way up my nostrils. I drift away; go again now, harder, left once, right twice, left three, and four. What consequences? I’M FUCKING INVINCIBLE. I used to coat myself in syrup thick air, to soften the brightly coloured edges; to blur the you, to distort the us. Now, I’ve sharpened it instead. Maybe this way I’m invincible from fucking.

Maybe. 

I never keep my New Years Resolutions, but I kept mine in 2012 and reached my goal weight. So, for 2013, I’m quitting smoking!

This post has been a long time coming, but frankly, I didn’t know where to begin processing, and thus, I found my lexicon insufficient insofar as reflecting on the tragedy at Sandy Hook Elementary goes. That said,as a Connecticut teacher in a district that neighbors Newtown, as a teacher, as a human being, I’ve obviously been affected by the recent senselessly violent acts that took place there, and I need to say something on the subject. School was my refuge as a child; I know this isn’t the case for everyone, but it was my safe place, somewhere I looked forward to going everyday. For 600 plus children, that will never be the case. My heart breaks for their loss of innocence. My heart breaks for the children whose lives were cut so brutally short. My heart breaks for the parents because parents should never have to bury their children. And I find I grow frustrated. Everyone is asking why. Why he did it. Why this happened here, now. Everyone seems to think that understanding why, being able to point to some tangible flaw, and being able to say, “that, right there, that’s what caused this.” will provide closure. Even if this were true, which I think it isn’t, because knowing why won’t bring the lives stolen back, seeking comfort and explanation in the why only brings our own thoughts around to hate and vengeance. That makes us no better than the monster who committed this crime. Furthermore, figuring out the why, supposing there is one at all, implies there is some sort of justification for what happened. So I don’t want to know his reasons for committing such a heinous act. The only purpose he should serve from here on out is to be a reminder that evil always wears a human mask. It hides in plain sight, and appears when you’d least expect it to. We must seek solace instead, in friends, in family, in loved ones. We must seek to comprehend our own reactions to this tragedy, and deal with the whys there accordingly. The outpouring of love I’ve seen transpire over the past few days is incredible. It’s a shame though, that it takes an act of this magnitude to bring that out. Now that it’s here though, we mustn’t let it fade away. It will, to a degree, that’s inevitable, but we must never let it disappear completely. Finally, if I’ve learned nothing else from this tragedy, it’s served as a stark reminder of human mortality. Life is often much too short, and it can end at any minute without warning. Friday I began examining “Carpe Diem” poetry with my students, and that ideal has never seemed more relevant. Life is too short to spend doing things which make you unhappy. Tell someone you love them today. Do something you really enjoy. Because you never know when it might be the last time you get to do so.

Yesterday I had the post conference for my second formal observation. It was a surprise, I had no idea I was going to be evaluated until I walked into my classroom 4th period (I have a prep 3rd, and I’d been in the teachers room making copies) and the administrator was sitting there waiting for me. I was so nervous, but I don’t think it showed. Anyway, on the feedback sheet THERE WAS NOT A SINGLE NEGATIVE COMMENT. I know the lesson wasn’t flawless, the transitions took longer than I’d have liked, but apparently he didn’t notice, or it wasn’t an issue for him, because I ROCKED THAT SHIT.

I volunteered to sub during one of my free periods today, and I wound up covering a freshman English class. So, I’m circulating while the kids are in groups answering analysis questions related to the ending of To Kill a Mockingbird, when all of a sudden bursts of laughter ring out from the other side of the room. As the ending of that novel in no way inspires laughter, I raised an eyebrow, and did the cliched “care to share the joke” bit, to which one of the offending students responds, “Sorry, I just said ‘rape’ really loudly.” The entire class then proceeds to collapse in giggles.
Moral of the story: I have a newfound appreciation for the maturity of my seniors…